3:41am

i’m going to cherish and regret this experience once i wake up.
you’re completely different in person.
no. incorrect. on skype. we skyped.
we sat and had a conversation,
looked at each other’s “faces”
through this app called skype
as i cursed my internet connection.
you looked different. you sounded different.
you laughed a lot.

watching you run your tongue over your bottom lip as you read something on your phone
made me realize something.
i want to get close to you.

my brain commands me to memorize you.
my eyes and ears soak your every word and action in.
my fingers long for yours.
take my cold hand and make me warm again.

i’ve been meaning to tell you something.
since we said our goodbyes and pressed the cruel red hang-up button,
i’ve been rehearsing.
rolling the three syllables over in my head.

i want to be close to you.
i sound fucking ridiculous.

but paranoia and fear of intimacy envelopes me tighter than do my comforters.
self-doubt chokes me, scraping the words off my tongue.

will you accept me the way i am?
will i push you away once more?
i’m scared of feeling this way.
if only there was a kind of poison i could swallow to kill the growing butterflies in my stomach.

i can only hope that you like me for me
not the things i post on instagram
or the one inside joke we share
or the selfies i take that are the result of ten retakes and five minutes of angling my phone

but i don’t want to be weak.
i don’t want to be vulnerable.
i don’t want to be pitied.

i don’t even know if i want to be close to you now.
i’ve been hurt too many times. i deserve better.

10:04am
nothing much has changed. we’re not close.
we send each other snapchats that say “streak”
and leave it at that.
this time, i’ve left you on “seen.”
that’s that.
i was a fool for thinking we could’ve been
something more.

11:11am
i make a wish for more.