mansueti-river-digital-collage

Illustration by River Mansueti

have you ever lost your mind? Do you know what it feels like to not be in control?

what is control? What ?  What does it mean to think? Do you know, do you?

it’s like this:

they take your brain away, leave nothing behind.

you try to tell people, try to emphasize that your brain is gone, you don’t have a brain, but they insist that you haven’t lost it.

No, you yell. You don’t understand. I have lost my brain. They took it away. I don’t have a mind anymore, nothing is there.

later, when your semblance of sanity has somewhat come back (at least you have your brain now), you are filled with dread. fear. what are you afraid of? god fucking knows, and that makes you more afraid. you can’t get out of bed, because you’re scared. you can’t stay in bed, because you’re scared. you can’t eat, because you are scared. you can’t not eat, because you’re scared. you can’t go outside, because you’re scared of someone shooting you. you can’t stay inside, because you are scared of being a bad person for not taking advantage of the nature.

bad person. bad person.  

you are a bad person. you know it, deep down in your bones. and yet, you fight it, wake up every day to a small voice that says “maybe I’m not so bad”. but you’re scared of believing that too.  every decision you make, every step you take, reinforces your fear of being a bad person. you must’ve been a bad person, to have so many people leave you at once. there is no other way.

it has been nine months since you’ve felt safe in your body. nine months since you’ve trusted someone, actually believed them when they said i’m your friend or you are a good person or i love you.

every second this anxiety follows you, tells you that everyone hates, that you are an inconvenience. every single fucking second–not even in sleep do you get a break, no, your dreams are either upsetting, or so damn blissfully happy that you know it could never happen in real life.

         you begin to see that there is no reprieve, that this, this is what life is like.