IMG_0939

Illustration by Drew Jefferson.

 

This is a Notice To Terminate Tenancy.
You are hereby notified that your tenancy of the premises will be terminated on 4th of December 2015.
And on that day you will be required to surrender the premises to the Landlord.
This is a letter to my anxiety and depression.

I, the landlord, am evicting you.
It’s time for you to go.
On the 4th of December I will start my medication and you will have to pack up and be ready to leave.

This decision was not made lightly. And even as it confuses me to say it, you will be missed.

For 3 years it’s just been the 3 of us. Anxiety. Depression. And me. Strong individuals but all a part of the same entity, like stars in a galaxy. Some days we’re friends, some days acquaintances, but on the very best days I have no idea who you are at all or why I ever thought we were friends.

One day I lost my head phones.
For three days I had to listen to my own offbeat thoughts instead.
The volume was too loud and the lyrics changed too much.
Whatever it was I was hearing began to pull me down a well I created.
There was no water at the bottom of this well.
No relief.

In the early hours of the morning Anxiety attacked me at a sleepover.
I tried to piece myself back together in front of someone else’s bathroom mirror.

 

There are always messy bedroom floors and hair not washed for I can’t remember how many days.

I have been surviving.
Surviving is very different to living, at least I think it will be.
I’m changing the locks to the home that is my mind.
Trying to learn how to stop letting you back in.

 

I don’t know who I am without you.
My counselor said to not thinking of myself as anxious or depressed but a person who struggles with them.
Separate.
That’s a lie.

Anxiety is shackled to my ribs and growing in my lungs.
My brain is dripping with depression.

Separating myself from you both will be as hard as separating the egg from the flour in a baked cake.
I’ve been baked this way.
Grown this way.
I am this way.
But it’s time to go the other way.